During the month of January, Ryan and I, along with a couple of new Cincinnati friends, met for four weeks to read and discuss Tim Keller’s book, Forgive: Why Should I and How Can I. Because our church here sets aside the month of January for “Theology Labs,” we decided to form our own lab over Wednesday night dinners. Each of us was interested to learn about forgiveness for familiar reasons: family trauma, old church wounds, the rub of everyday relationships.
I thought to share with you some of the most helpful insights I gained from Keller’s book, though of course I want to also encourage you read it for yourselves!
1. First, there are insufficient cultural models of “forgiveness” that need to be rejected.
Keller’s examination of the “therapeutic” model of forgiveness was most helpful for me in his book. Here, the import of forgiveness is on the forgiver to the exclusion of the relationship. Someone forgives simply to feel better or to gain greater peace and freedom.
Greater peace and freedom are in fact by-products of forgiveness, writes Keller, but they aren’t the main point. Biblical forgiveness always has relationships—which is to say, community—in mind.
“Our sin inclines us to behavior that regularly weakens and breaks relationships, but through the Spirit we are given the ability to realize—partially, never fully in this life—something of the beauty and joy of those future relationships through practices and disciplines of forgiveness and reconciliation now,” (p. 30).
Not all relationships can be reconciled. Peace can’t always be made, even though we might want it and seek it. Nevertheless, restored relationships are the goal of biblical forgiveness.
2. Second, you might not “feel” that you’ve forgiven—and yet be practicing forgiveness nonetheless.
Keller reminds readers that while there is important internal work to be done within the forgiver (to release bitterness and put off vindictiveness), the “mood” of forgiveness is beside the point.
You might not feel particularly generous toward the person who has wronged you and yet practice generosity toward them. You might not feel particularly charitable toward the perpetrator of an offense, and yet you might practice charity by refusing to diminish their reputation by spreading knowledge of their offense.
“[Forgiveness] is not primarily and originally an emotion. Forgiveness is granted (often a good while) before it is felt—not felt before it is granted. It is a promise to not exact the price of sin from the person who hurt you. Forgiveness is a promise we make to keep despite our feelings,” (173).
This speaks to a larger point about faith in general. When we don’t feel the moods of faith, we can keep at the habits. Certainly, those habits might become rote rehearsal, vain and empty repetitions. But more hopefully, those habits will become a way to practice yourself into the full experience of faith (and here, forgiveness), heart and mind, body and soul.
3. There are strong indicators when you’re exacting payment for a sin, rather than forgiving it.
This is a list I have starred in my copy of the book—and next to which I’ve written, “All of this: guilty.” Whereas in #2, you might doubt the extent of your forgiveness because your heart lags behind your body, here, you must doubt the extent of your forgiveness, no matter what you heart tells you because of your actions.
We are guilty of not forgiving if:
“We [make] cutting remarks and drag out the past.
“We [become] far more demanding and controlling with the person that we are with others, because ‘they owe us.’”
“We [punish] with self-righteous ‘mercy,’ which makes them feel small.
“We [avoid] them or [turn] cold to them in overt and subtle ways.
“We [actively scheme] to harm them, taking from them something they value.”
I have to admit this list pinned me against a wall. I had more forgiving to do.
With our culture more and more loudly decrying the injustice of forgiveness, this is an important book to read. Certainly not the only book, but a good start.
Yours,
Jen
P.S. Speaking of books you might want to read, check out Alli Patterson’s, How to Stay Standing: 3 Essential Practices for Building a Faith that Lasts.
Alli described her book to me like this: “Most people I know want to live a “good life” and be a “good person” but everyone faces issues they don't see coming: in their marriage, with their kids, at work or within themselves. I hate seeing people walk away from God during times like these when real faith actually has the power to keep us standing. That's why I wrote this book. I hate seeing lives that collapse during trouble because it was being built on a bad foundation. Jesus is very clear that we will face challenges in our lives, but - while trouble may be inevitable - collapse is not. You can build a life strong enough to stand firm in 3 simple practices with the power to take any part of your life back to solid ground.”
You can take a cool quiz, based on Alli’s graduate research, here. The results of the quiz link to chapter 10 in the book, and I hope you’ll take advantage of both!
January 30, 2023
So much goodness in your p.s. jenn! I am inspired every single week and this week is no different. You continue to stretch my mind and keep me encouraged to go deeper and build stronger habits. Forgiving is hard! The resources you continue to share are amazing. Thank you for doing God's work with your words! You are a much needed beautiful blessing to me❤️