November 22, 2021
Your odd uncle—and you
I’m writing this in the hair salon. Tomorrow, I leave for Scotland to visit a friend who, six months ago, was diagnosed with incurable cancer. By the time you read this, I’ll be walking her dogs along the “coastal path” she mentioned to me in a recent email. This trip is miracle: that she has marked six months since her diagnosis; that I will get to travel to see her.
It’s the end of the month, the week of American Thanksgiving, and I could write my typical “odds and ends” letter as I usually do. Or I could share something more urgent as many of you head into a week of potential conflict, gathered around the table with the odd uncle, the aloof cousin, the brother with the difficult wife, the parents with crazy political leanings. My guess is that you can fill in your own blank of a difficult person, a difficult relationship. Someone you’re seeing soon. Even someone you’re refusing to see. (My guess is also that you and I are the difficult people in someone else’s life.)
My heart is breaking for the relational trauma I’m seeing all around me. On the one hand, I know that conflict is a part of the human experience. The New Testament writers address the topic of conflict often, reminding us that it should never come as a surprise when we find ourselves at odds with someone, even another believer. Godly people can have conflict, too. It doesn’t help, of course, that the pandemic has threshed us, that we have far less of the margin we might normally rely on to forgive the debts of others. (I’ve always preferred translating “sin” as “debt” in the Lord’s Prayer. It gets at something concrete, doesn’t it?)
I’m not going to pretend that conflict can be solved by a formula of quick and easy steps. I’m also going to say that cases of abuse remain outside of what I am addressing here. However, I do want suggest there are biblical principles to help us engage more ordinary kinds of conflict more constructively. I hope you won’t mind that I share them—and I hope you’ll remember that I am, first of all, preaching to myself.
Here are some do’s and don’ts of engaging conflict:
DO make it your habit to overlook offenses. This isn’t always possible, isn’t always the best policy, but it’s a pretty good rule of thumb. When you can, swallow your tongue. Don’t act like the Toronto parking attendant who can’t WAIT to write a ticket for the six minutes someone has overstayed their paid ticket. (Proverbs 19:11; 1 Peter 4:8)
DO listen first. Don’t presume you understand another person’s perspective, another person’s pain. Ask questions before you assign blame. And don’t just do this as a kind of perfunctory step, pretending to listen when you’re mentally rehearsing what to say next. See how you can genuinely believe, “I bet there’s something I’m missing here.” (James 1:19)
DON’T involve yourself in other people’s conflict. We all like our cheering sections when we’re in an argument with someone else. But try to resist being drafted. If, as a friend, you agree to listen to some pain another person is experiencing in conflict, remember this wonderful proverb: “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him,” Prov. 18:17
DO exercise the courage to engage conflict directly. This is a part of valuing relationships and valuing people. A good opening line is someone like, “I’ve felt hurt recently by something, and I was wondering if we could talk about it.” You’re asking for permission here, and permission must be granted. Maybe it’s not an ideal time for this discussion, which is something you want to know and respect. But assuming this person says yes, your next line might be something like, “I don’t want to just dump my hurt on you. I’m hoping we can work together toward a healthier pattern of relating to each other.” Maybe you also add, “I know there are things I can be working on, too.” What this is doing is lowering the temperature. You’re enlisting a process that is collaborative and calm. (Matthew 18:15)
DON’T accept responsibilities that aren’t yours to own. Peace-making is a two-person process. It may be tempting, for the sake of the relationship, to offer to do another person’s work of repairing what’s been broken, but you must draw a clear circle around your responsibilities and tend to those. Your responsibility is to keeping believing the best. (Romans 12:18; 1 Corinthians 13)
DO understand your responsibilities are broader than you think. The Bible says: make attempts to resolve conflict in cases where you think you have been sinned against (Matthew 18:15-20). The Bible also says: make attempts to resolve conflict when someone thinks you’ve sinned against them (Matthew 5:23-26). The first step can always be yours.
DO value something more than being right. The relationship. The unity of the body. The witness of God’s people. Remember that transformation—in you, in others—is a long and fitful process. It’s ok to be misunderstood. Remember the one to whom you will ultimately give account of your life. (Hebrews 4:12, 13)
DO love your enemies. Conflict is not always resolved—despite your herculean efforts, even your faithful prayers. Love those who don’t love you. Seek their good. Pray for them. Actively show kindness to them. And if you’ve been sinned against, trust that God is seeking your good and pursuing his justice. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:14-21).
I will not be sending a letter next week—because I’ll be walking the coastal paths of Scotland. But if you want to think further on some of these themes, I’d encourage you to read my recent piece at The Gospel Coalition on truth and wisdom. My piece, “Think About Such Things: Whatever is True” is the first in a series of articles by different authors on the wonderful catalogue of virtues in Philippians 4:8: whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. I’ll be looking forward to reading the rest of this series myself!
I am thankful for each of you, for your willingness to read and share these letters.
Take good care,
Jen